The Imaginary Heroine

searching for the plot

Edward Cullen, the 108 Year Old Virgin March 16, 2010

If I am truly honest with myself, I must admit that I like Twi-snark even better than Twilight itself. The best snark comes from Twilighters, Twitards – Whatever you want to call those of us who know and love the series best. Some of it is pretty crude. In the words of Buffy, “we’re talking violence, strong language, adult content.” But really, I just can’t help myself. I love me some TwitardedTwiSoupTwilight Stonified, and Lady Bits Wolf Tattoos.

Even RPatz gets in some Twi-snark:

“When you read the book,” says Pattinson, … “it’s like, ‘Edward Cullen was so beautiful I creamed myself.’ I mean, every line is liked that. He’s the most ridiculous person who’s so amazing at everything. I think a lot of actors tried to play that aspect. I just couldn’t do that. And the more I read the script, the more I hated this guy, so that’s how I played him, as a manic-depressive who hates himself. Plus, he’s a 108 year-old virgin so he’s obviously got some issues there.” – Robert Pattinson, Empire Magazine 10/2008

So how could I be so late to the “Growing Up Cullen” party? Where has this tasty Twi-snark been all my Twilife?!!!!1!eleventy!!1

Ever wonder what Edward was up to all those years before he met Bella?

At one point Edward tells Bella that he is super musical and educated, because he had so much free time on his hands.

I, for one, snorked at that particular passage. You mean his whole family was having hawt vampire sex and he was…doing Latin flashcards? Uh…huh.

saint_renegade and oxymoronassoc, two livejournal users, have taken this skepticism and pushed it to a new level. To borrow a phrase from Faith, the dark slayer, something in Edward’s bottle definitely needed uncorking.

Behold Edward Cullen, the 108 year old Virgin:

oxymoronassoc: rosalie would totally be extra loud to annoy edward too
oxymoronassoc: esp if he was doing something delicate like building a boat in a bottle
saint_renegade: YOU KNOW HE HAS
oxymoronassoc: FUCK YOU ROSALIE THIS WAS THE FIFTH TIME
oxymoronassoc: and then he’d sulk around the house
oxymoronassoc: muttering darkly about his boat

and also

oxymoronassoc: and esme would be like WHY DON’T YOU GO TRY OUT THAT NEW POTTERY WHEEL I BOUGHT?
saint_renegade: and that’s how they have like 80 bowls they’ll never use
oxymoronassoc: all lumpy and badly glazed
saint_renegade: I’M PERFECTING MY ART!!!!!
saint_renegade: WHAT ARE YOU DOING BESIDES BEING FILTHY?
oxymoronassoc: emmett will use them one day when he and jasper are pretending aliens are invading in the backyard and karate chop them to bits
oxymoronassoc: and edward will flip his shit
oxymoronassoc: NO RESPECT
oxymoronassoc: NO RESPECT!!!!
oxymoronassoc: THAT WAS ART!
oxymoronassoc: ART!!!

It just gets better and better… or worse and worse, depending upon how you look at it.

I found it on my lunch break and almost peed my pants. At WORK.

EDIT:

OME, there’s more!

Here!!1

Here!!!!!!111!!

Here!!!!!!!!!1!1!!!

and Here!!!!!!!111111!!!!1

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