The Imaginary Heroine

searching for the plot

Why Summit? Why?! April 27, 2010

Fug via TresSugar

Apparently they’ve released a replica of Bella’s engagement ring. It’s available in faux version for $35 and a version with real diamonds for $1,979.

I blushingly admit that I’ve amassed a not inconsiderable amount of Twilight related merch. I may or may not frequently sport purple ruffled sweats from Aerie or a cadet blue B.B. Dakota jacket.  So, clearly I have no problem with people who want to have fun with movie memorabilia. If you have lots of disposable income and truly want a Cullen engagement ring, more power to you.

My main issue is the design of this ring. It is HIDEOUS. As some commenters have noted, it looks like a bug’s eye.

Wasn’t this supposed to be Edward’s mother’s ring? If you consider Edward died at 17 in 1918 and the typical short time window between marriage and first child at the time, his parents were probably married in the late 1890s. Shouldn’t the ring be Victorian style jewelry? This doesn’t look anything like what should have been around in Victorian America.

I mean, for cripes sake! Look how flipping gorgeous these Victorian rings are!

Why, Summit?! Why did you make the movie ring the fugliest ring ever? Are you just trying to piss off Twilight fans?

UPDATE:

So, here’s the description of the ring from the book:

“The face was a long oval, set with slanting rows of glittering round stones. The band was gold — delicate and narrow. The gold made a fragile web around the diamonds.”

So, I suppose the movie ring somewhat matches the book description. But it is still hideous. So there.

UPDATE2:

Other suggestions for Bella’s ring

I like the first one better, but I think the second one matches the description more. Either one is preferable to the monster we’re promised in June.

Update3:

Oddly, the artist rendering is by the same company that is producing the replicas. The final products don’t seem to match the drawing very well. The inset “web” is more delicate and there’s scalloped edging in the drawing that are nowhere in evidence on the real rings.

Unfortunately, the fug replica rings are officially authorized by Stephenie Meyer herself. Maybe she authorized the drawing and not the rings? I don’t know.

Yikes. I mean, you can’t argue with the author. If that’s what she says the ring looks like, that’s what it looks like. I’m not keen on the canon description, the presumably approved prototype rendering, or the final authorized replicas.

I’m going to go cry in the corner now.

Somewhere in the world, someone is writing the shortest alternate universe Twilight fan fiction ever which says something to the effect that Elizabeth Masen’s ring was lovely and understated with a single stone and delicate Art Nouveau scroll work on the band.

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Failbooking Twilight Style March 23, 2010

Filed under: Books,Movies — imaginaryheroine @ 6:00 am
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[Buffy says “Now this is not going to be pretty. We’re talking violence, strong language, adult content.”]

I came across this a while back and thought I should add it to the growing pile of Twi-snark.


see more funny facebook stuff!

What does happen when Bella has the painters and decorators in?

EDIT: I guess SMeyer had to think up an answer to the menstruation question.

“Several girls wanted to know if Edward would have a more difficult time being around Bella when she’s having her period.  Answer: Yes, a little bit, but he would never say anything about it–much too much of a gentleman.  And Bella would be way to embarrassed to ask.  (It’s not the same as a cut, though.  It’s sort of “dead” blood, if you get my meaning).” – Stephenie Meyer, Personal Correspondance #2, Twilight Lexicon

 

A New Dawn part 10: “A Moon…A Girl…Romance!” by James A. Owen March 22, 2010

[Part of a series discussing the essays in A New Dawn edited by Ellen Hopkins. These posts may contain spoilers about all four Twilight novels and Midnight Sun.]

Eerily similar, no?

Although romances make up over half of all book sales, James Owen couldn’t find a single friend or colleague willing to admit that they read them. They actually became offended when he suggested that not only do they read romances, but they read them frequently.

How does he know this? Because they’re all Twilight fans. Owen’s main thesis is that Twilight, when boiled down to its essentials, is really an old-fashioned romance novel.

According to Owen, the only reason the Twilight Saga is considered a Young Adult book is because a Young Adult publisher was the first to like it and pick it up. He argues that due to the characters’ ages alone, Romeo and Juliet would probably be published under this banner today. The label doesn’t define the book – just the publisher.

Twilight actually bridges several worlds, including horror, fantasy, and, of course, romance. How well it performs each genre varies. Clearly Meyer’s monsters are not quite up to snuff for horror. “[T]he anomaly of Stephen King’s classic Carrie aside – I’m unable to think of a horror book deserving of the name in which the denouement takes place at the prom,” Owen remarks. Fantasy is, in his opinion, also not the essential point of the Twilight Saga. Sure vampires and werewolves are interesting literary devices, but they’re mostly window dressing. The real focus of the books is the characters and how they interact. The main action of the novel involves a girl meeting a boy and trying to make it work against all odds. It’s a romance.

Owen makes a great point about why we’re so resistant to admit that we’re reading romance novels. The term has become so narrowly defined that all we can think of is cheesy Fabio men named Dirk clutching some swooning ninny while her heaving bosom tumbles from her ripped bodice. It’s a pretty suffocating genre label.

In my personal experience, adult genre labels are getting narrower and narrower all the time. When you do find something that combines several different genres, it’s difficult to explain to someone else what kind of book it is that you’re reading. Is it a mystery if there’s romance? Is it a fantasy if it’s about catching a thief? Giving book recommendations labels is a loaded proposition.

Meanwhile, J.K. Rowling’s Harry potter series has transformed the Young Adult label into something much more flexible. Young Adult books are allowed to dabble in sci-fi, fantasy, horror, romance – whatever!

As readers, we’re looking for wonder and excitement – things Owen notes were part of the romance movement and its literature in the first place. The publishers in the adult section are taking themselves so seriously, their books have lost a lot of their hypnotic powers. It’s no wonder that some of the most wildly popular books among both teens and adults right now are Young Adult novels.

[Aside on the New Moon book cover: I recently heard someone call Bella’s pose (head and hand against man’s chest/shoulder/neck, depending on respective height) “dialing in Tokyo.” The phrase tickled me so much I just wanted to pass it along.]

 

March Madness: BYU March 18, 2010

Filed under: Current Events — imaginaryheroine @ 7:33 pm
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Today BYU beat Florida in the first round of the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament.

I, of course, was eagerly refreshing my gametrackers and counting down the hours minutes seconds to my own game when I saw this headline:

Cougars’ recover in ‘Nick’ of time

*screeching tires sound*

The Brigham Young University mascot is a cougar?

Seriously?

Were they the cougars before Twilight?

Was there some kind of prophecy at the BYU mascot meeting?

Can’t think about this too much…gotta get back to the GAME!!!!

 

Edward Cullen, the 108 Year Old Virgin March 16, 2010

If I am truly honest with myself, I must admit that I like Twi-snark even better than Twilight itself. The best snark comes from Twilighters, Twitards – Whatever you want to call those of us who know and love the series best. Some of it is pretty crude. In the words of Buffy, “we’re talking violence, strong language, adult content.” But really, I just can’t help myself. I love me some TwitardedTwiSoupTwilight Stonified, and Lady Bits Wolf Tattoos.

Even RPatz gets in some Twi-snark:

“When you read the book,” says Pattinson, … “it’s like, ‘Edward Cullen was so beautiful I creamed myself.’ I mean, every line is liked that. He’s the most ridiculous person who’s so amazing at everything. I think a lot of actors tried to play that aspect. I just couldn’t do that. And the more I read the script, the more I hated this guy, so that’s how I played him, as a manic-depressive who hates himself. Plus, he’s a 108 year-old virgin so he’s obviously got some issues there.” – Robert Pattinson, Empire Magazine 10/2008

So how could I be so late to the “Growing Up Cullen” party? Where has this tasty Twi-snark been all my Twilife?!!!!1!eleventy!!1

Ever wonder what Edward was up to all those years before he met Bella?

At one point Edward tells Bella that he is super musical and educated, because he had so much free time on his hands.

I, for one, snorked at that particular passage. You mean his whole family was having hawt vampire sex and he was…doing Latin flashcards? Uh…huh.

saint_renegade and oxymoronassoc, two livejournal users, have taken this skepticism and pushed it to a new level. To borrow a phrase from Faith, the dark slayer, something in Edward’s bottle definitely needed uncorking.

Behold Edward Cullen, the 108 year old Virgin:

oxymoronassoc: rosalie would totally be extra loud to annoy edward too
oxymoronassoc: esp if he was doing something delicate like building a boat in a bottle
saint_renegade: YOU KNOW HE HAS
oxymoronassoc: FUCK YOU ROSALIE THIS WAS THE FIFTH TIME
oxymoronassoc: and then he’d sulk around the house
oxymoronassoc: muttering darkly about his boat

and also

oxymoronassoc: and esme would be like WHY DON’T YOU GO TRY OUT THAT NEW POTTERY WHEEL I BOUGHT?
saint_renegade: and that’s how they have like 80 bowls they’ll never use
oxymoronassoc: all lumpy and badly glazed
saint_renegade: I’M PERFECTING MY ART!!!!!
saint_renegade: WHAT ARE YOU DOING BESIDES BEING FILTHY?
oxymoronassoc: emmett will use them one day when he and jasper are pretending aliens are invading in the backyard and karate chop them to bits
oxymoronassoc: and edward will flip his shit
oxymoronassoc: NO RESPECT
oxymoronassoc: NO RESPECT!!!!
oxymoronassoc: THAT WAS ART!
oxymoronassoc: ART!!!

It just gets better and better… or worse and worse, depending upon how you look at it.

I found it on my lunch break and almost peed my pants. At WORK.

EDIT:

OME, there’s more!

Here!!1

Here!!!!!!111!!

Here!!!!!!!!!1!1!!!

and Here!!!!!!!111111!!!!1

 

A New Dawn part 7: “As Time Goes By” by K. A. Nuzum

Filed under: Books — imaginaryheroine @ 6:00 am
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

[Part of a series discussing the essays in A New Dawn edited by Ellen Hopkins. These posts may contain spoilers about all four Twilight novels and Midnight Sun.]

What separates humans from monsters seems so obvious that it’s hard to put into words. Nuzum starts with a basic outline of what seems to help us decide what constitutes a monster:

1) Monsters look different from humans.

2) They live outside the normal bounds of society, because they can’t or wont bow to human cultural norms.

3) They live in a “different time zone” than humans.

Wait, what? What time zone is that, exactly? Nuzum separates humans into “Historic Time,” while monsters belong instead to “Mythic Time.” Historic time is progressive and ever-changing. We each keep moving along our own personal time line, making choices about which way it will turn. “One of the ironies of our existence,” says Nuzum, “is that living means always moving closer to death.” Mythic time, on the other hand is circular, eternal, and repetitive as a hamster wheel. Existing in this circuitous existence, a monster will “experience an eternal compulsion to commit and recommit the creation act that transformed them into monsters.”

We place a high value on life’s milestones, specifically because in a progressive timeline “they can’t be repeated or relived.” Edward knows this. He’s had time while repeating high school over and over to ponder the fact that he missed out on a number of important adult milestones like getting a career, getting married, having children – the list goes on and on. He cares enough about Bella to want her to have all of the things he missed out on – even if she insists she doesn’t want them. Witness him dragging her to prom, the ill-fated birthday party in New Moon, and his marriage ultimatum… He’s big on the human coming of age moments, because, as a monster in Mythic time, he will never have them himself.

Nuzum agrees with Edward. Historical time is very important. The accident at the aforementioned birthday party illustrated the dangers of mixing beings from Historic Time with those from Mythic time. Historic time is extremely sensitive to the choices we make and “there’s no such thing as a “do over.”” The suspense we feel when we consider Bella’s choice between Historic time and Mythic time stems from this value we place on life due to our own firm residence in Historic time. Nuzum argues that the Cullen’s vampirism is represented as a last resort, when the only choice is to transform or die. Meyer repeats this choice for us with Bella’s transformation. Nuzum believes that this is necessary in order to quiet reader qualms about Bella turning her back on human life in Historic time and entering Mythic time as a monster. Even monster life is better than death…right? Right?

I’m not so sure that I agree with Nuzum’s assumption that we were all ambivalent about Bella leaving behind the human world. I’m guessing by the end of Twilight a large number of people were thinking exactly what I was thinking:

"Oh, just bite her already!"

Maybe this links back to Steiber’s argument that Meyer’s vampires have inverted the vampire legend. In Twilight, the vampires aren’t the monsters – we are. Our imperfections and vulnerability to the hands of time have us more scared than blood drinkers or shape shifters. Nuzum insists that the passage of time is actually an integral part of our character formation, because “it is our experience in time the defines us as individuals, that gives meaning and uniqueness to each of our lives.” This is undoubtably true, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t scary as heck.

 

Twilight and Transvestite Comedians? March 15, 2010

Filed under: Books — imaginaryheroine @ 6:00 am
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

The little nudge in the last post about vampiric imagery in Jesus’ Last Supper speech made me think of this bit by Eddie Izzard.

Around 1:30 Jesus is telling God (as portrayed by James Mason as portrayed by Eddie Izzard) about his work setting up the new religion:

“And then I did the last supper, and I gave them some wine and I said, drink this wine – it is my blood.”

“You said what?” exclaims God.

“I said, drink this wine it is my blood. I was trying to make it a ceremony,” explains Jesus.

“But that’s vampirism! Vampiric thing, drink my blood. You’ve got Pagan things right there on day one of the new religion!”

“Oh, sorry,” says Jesus, sheepishly.

“Why didn’t you say, drink this wine it is a Merlot?” suggests God.

“Oh, yeah.”